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The "Problem" with Modern Dating?: "What Am I doing Wrong?"

The "Problem" with Modern Dating? "What Am I doing Wrong?"

I feel like a lot of us who are twenty and beyond, and single really are scratching our heads and trying to figure out exactly what it is we're doing wrong....with the surfacing of all of these podcasts coming out featuring raunchy content that most of us devour with a gross fascination similar to what Joseph Conrad may refer to (in a less violent context) as "the fascination of the abomination." We, as people who may live what someone may describe as a normal life, look into this kind of content with a sick fascination of what life could be like with that level of either unbridled sexual freedom, or copious amounts of money and a private jet to fly us all over the world for endless partying. Even if it's for a second or two...we imagine what that kind of life would bring.

Some go so far as to believe that certain lives they do not, or cannot live, would bring them happiness.

"People make a serious mistake in thinking that you give to those whom you love; The real answer is you love those to whom you give" - Rabbi Dessler

Either way, we sit back, and we either consume and enjoy, or witness and sneer at the content that now floods our media streams and makes it's way into our eyes, ears and minds; then we look into our own lives and the fuck do people even get into relationships now? How are people even getting married? Is there anyone out there who can actually feel love unhindered?

I was invited onto a podcast by a host who is still ramping up his following, and doing rather well so far, even better than me because he's gone viral a few times with his risqué content that shares no personal opinion but leaves things up to interpretation from the viewer...which is what most podcasts hosts with this content base stick to...plausible deniability, plus you have to protect yourself and your interests. Can't be canceled if you never formally share an opinion. If they're smart, they stick to that code....those that are unafraid and actually have a well formulated opinion typically share their opinions and expertise unhindered.

I agreed to join in on a virtual podcast with this dude, and was talking with him for about an hour about relationships dynamics. Personally, I'm a nervous interviewee. It's hard to formulate my usually good responses with strangers under any kind of spotlight. I answered his carefully sectioned questions about what it is I think is wrong with modern dating; and mainly, the only thing I can really say is wrong with today, and dating, is that no one is doing what is best for them, no one is doing what they want for themselves, and no one is setting things up for themselves from a place of love and hope, but from fear, vengeance or trauma.

It goes without saying that it may be difficult to start a relationship with strong emotional ties and trust when we are struggling to build ourselves up from past traumas or hurt that we haven't reconciled with just yet. Of course the podcast host, that I'm almost relatively sure was younger than me, disagreed, or rather played the devils advocate as the dedicated host of his show. He believed that shame should be brought back in the fold to keep women virtuous. Although it wasn't strictly stated, it was implied in the tone; as men usually don't abide by the same virtuous traits they want their female counterparts to stick to.

That goes without saying; as women, I don't think we ever were absent of shame when it came to their own pleasure...which is sad because a woman in the throes of passion is mesmerizing and wonderful, and it's shamed in nearly every fashion. I think men and women operate best when we work together, yet we are at each other's throats throwing mud and shame each other's way for past actions in the pursuit of healing, with very little compassion.

Women who deal with rape, stay silent while it eats them up inside; and men who are abused at younger ages grow to have to reconcile alone and in shame and hurt. We are fragile, and we all want love and compassion...and yet we deny it from the other. My only opinion when it comes to modern dating is to love unhindered. Know your boundaries. Respect other's boundaries. Speak your truth, and don't be afraid of what might happen, and face what has happened. Treat yourself the way you'd treat the younger version of yourself; with a gentle hand, and a warm hug.

The "Problem" with Modern Dating?: As far as we know, we only have one life...and the very rules we attempt to set that allegedly bring us closer to happiness, won't work for everyone. Love isn't meant to be's meant to be open, vulnerable, and sometimes incredibly messy. There is no set steps to bring happiness, in a relationship, or otherwise. Being yourself, and speaking your truth, letting the tide take you, is what will. Let yourself gently flow towards the path that is meant for you. As cheesy as that sounds, thats all there is to it.


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